As a personal life coach, I thought I was more prepared than anyone for what to anticipate as my own divorce loomed over me. I was wrong! So I’ve decided to help others as they face the same ordeal. These are some of the things no one told me, things I had to learn the hard way going through – and coming out on the other side.
I know it feels like there may be no one who truly understands the tenuous aspect you’re enduring, and maybe there isn’t anyone that could feel the pull of every mortal fiber of your being stretched past capacity. I understand as a personal life coach that sometimes it’s easier to pull away and disengage behind a second helping of ice cream, or in my case, a third. Sometimes we don’t even understand our own emotions and other times we just simply don’t want to talk about it secretly hoping it will go away on its own. Trust me when I tell you that I’ve tried them all.
Staying connected to others helps to maintain a healthy reality. I found nothing more comforting than knowing that I wasn’t alone in this. Being able to have one trusted soul who would listen without judgment or interruption was invaluable to me. One true friend is all you need.
Introverts, I believe, have the hardest time with this concept. Their emotional feelings have a deep internal root that has been conditioned to thrive in the darkest places, much like a mushroom. For these beautiful people, I recommend monitoring your energy flow and take needed breaks throughout the divorce process. It can be exhausting when you’re forced to consult with lawyers, mediators, family members, and your ex. This is a good time to take care of yourself. No one knows you better than yourself!
There is a time and place for everything, however, playing out your heartbreak for the world to see isn’t advised. It only opens you up to public ridicule and negative vibrations. When you’re feeling hurt you’ll be more inclined to send that hurtful text to your ex. This might be due to anger or just wanting to hit your ex where it counts so they can experience the same hurt they have caused you. Also, if the case involves your ex being in another relationship, this behavior can be turned around for them to show others “who the crazy one is”. Take the higher road and instead post uplifting and inspirational memes if you feel like you need to post an update.
It’s important to note the obvious here… just remember, whatever you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. I’m sure you get my point, enough said.
Ignorance is not your friend, but I am, so believe me when I tell you to do your homework. Make sure that if you find yourself needing a lawyer you pick the best one for you, someone that will be on the same page as you and someone you feel comfortable with. Beware if they try to pump you up with ideals of sunshine and rainbows because I can guarantee you, that’s not how it ends.
Without good legal advice, it feels a lot like traveling alone to the Middle East without a map. You find yourself lost, don’t understand the language, and if you take a wrong turn you can find yourself in great danger without even knowing it.
Make sure you stick to the important details while talking to your lawyer. Ask pertinent questions that you couldn’t find answers to from the internet, such as alternatives to court proceedings like mediation or collaborative divorce. Don’t get wrapped up in explaining the 1001 reasons why your ex is a terrible person, the bottom line is…they don’t care. Sure, they may passively smile and listen for as long as you want to explain but in the back of their brain they’re thinking about the next exotic vacation they’ll be able to afford after the payday you will be giving them.
Don’t count on the court to provide you with emotional justice. They aren’t there to validate your emotions or even to sympathize with the years you wasted on your spouse. Their concern is the final ruling and that’s where it should be. That’s what you’re paying your divorce lawyer for. I’ve seen so many people waste time, energy, and lots of money by wrapping their emotions in a pretty package to present to the court what a victim they’ve been. The end result is the same. Courts and judges determine who gets what so that it’s as fair and even as possible. They are actually trained to disregard the “fluff” people tend to exaggerate.
Save the drama for your therapist.
Don’t confuse your lawyer with your therapist, so many people do, and it is a big waste of money. Save your emotions, fears, anxiety, and mental breakdowns for someone who is trained to help, your therapist! They are a valuable asset when dealing with new emotions.
Using each divorce professional properly will get you much better results, plus, therapy is cheaper than your divorce lawyer!
Life will continue to go on long after your divorce is over. The world isn’t going to stop spinning, even though some days it may feel like it has. Once your divorce is behind you, little by little, you’ll build a new life. You’ll become stronger, wiser, and yes, you WILL be happy again.
Another thing that needs to get mentioned about making it through your divorce ‘alive’. That is your ultimate happiness after your divorce and your sanity through it all. Working with a personal life coach, one who works a lot with people getting a divorce, can help you from the beginning to the end.
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