How To Tell Your Spouse You’re Unhappy in the Marriage

Talking to your partner and sharing your level of life satisfaction can be risky, but if done in the right way, it can be the doorway to living a more fulfilled life.

Relationships are supposed to make you happy. So when you feel like it’s more of a burden among other unhappiness in marriage signs, it can confuse, frustrate, and weigh you down. And that’s where the dilemma of whether you should speak out or not comes in. Will going ahead say something cause an adverse response?

unhappy in marriage

Most married people want to tell their husbands or wives about their dissatisfaction with the relationship but cannot do it unless they scream it out in a fight. Here are some reasons why people find it challenging to let it out.

  • You feel like they will play down your misery
  • You don’t want them to get hurt
  • You don’t want to start this topic as it may be the beginning of your relationship problems including separation or divorce
  • Your partner is used to shooting down any conversations about feelings
  • You don’t want to start a conflict
  • You’re secretly scared that your partner will confirm that you’re the actual problem in the relationship and you don’t want to hear that
  • You haven’t yet understood what the cause of your unhappiness is and you don’t know how to express it out
  • You feel too anxious to deal with the consequences of having such a discussion with your spouse

Such reasons and many others prevent people from airing out their dissatisfaction in the relationship, leaving them feeling lonely, alone and stuck. Such marriages often end up in a separation or divorce.

It’s impossible to know what someone else is thinking without them telling you. So if you are unhappy in your marriage, it’s best to create a healthy way of letting your spouse know how you feel.

Divorce Mistakes Network has brought on board some professionals, and done research to come up with some ways of letting your spouse know about your unhappiness.

Remember It’s Not Important to Pinpoint the Cause of Your Unhappiness

The first thing you should always remember is that it isn’t critical for you to understand your unhappiness. The human brain tries to find answers for underlying problems. But this is not the time to hide from the world, feeling depressed and wanting to fight your feelings.

While feeling unhappy in marriage isn’t a great place to be, you need allies who’ll help you through the journey. Your biggest ally would be your spouse and it’s imperative to have them on your side.

How Do You Start The Topic?

It is highly likely that your spouse will get defensive once you bring up this issue. It’s only natural for them to behave this way and the best you can do is to be aware that they can become mean and defensive for the sake of protecting their ego and not instantly taking the blame for your unhappiness. While this isn’t automatic, be prepared for such an eventuality.

Tips on How to Tell Your Spouse That You Are Unhappy In the Marriage

Use “I” Statements

The best way of speaking out your feelings is by using statements that use the “I” statements rather than “You” that feels like you’re attacking your spouse. Remember that this conversation isn’t about blaming your spouse for the predicament you’re in (they may have played a role, but blaming doesn’t help at this moment).

You could say something like, “I feel lonely at night when we don’t talk but just sit and watch TV” or, “I get angry when I get home from work and have to do all the house chores.” Your spouse won’t feel attacked if you take this approach.

Don’t Use Global Character Traits

You should avoid describing your partner using general words like “lazy,” but instead use observable traits. You’d rather say, “When you don’t do the utensils.” Generalizing and calling your spouse a bad person will only make things worse as compared to pointing out a specific behavior that you dislike.

Genuinely Ask Your Spouse What They Feel

Ask your spouse with compassion what their feelings are regarding the relationship and be ready to listen to your partner’s thoughts on your contributions to the issues in your marriage. No relationship problem is ever the doing of one party even when the marriage has been hit by infidelity.

It’s difficult to notice your own flaws unless someone else points them out. You’ll know yourself better in the process and discover better ways of relating with your spouse. Remember that it isn’t your spouse’s responsibility to fix your problem, but what you’re doing is seeking support to get the help you need.

Try and Figure It Out

Sometimes the best way to understand the reason for our unhappiness is to think about what we want. This means taking some time and understanding why you’re feeling that way. You can start asking yourself questions like:

  • When did I start feeling this way?
  • Are there times I feel more or less like this?
  • What would make me happier?

It might not be an easy process, but this will be useful information when you finally speak to your spouse about it.

Clearly Articulate Your Contribution to the Problem

It always helps when you own up your contribution to the problem. You may not understand it too well, but it does help when coming up with solutions. So you could say something like, “I know I’m sometimes cold and I know it does make things worse.”

You’ll be acknowledging that you don’t know all the reasons for your unhappiness, but at least you understand your own contributions.

These are proper first steps. Keep them in mind when you want to start a conversation on your unhappiness in the marriage. The good thing is that you’ll be stopping the cycle of regret and avoidance.

You can always try to find help from someone who’ll help you break down your feelings and unstuck you from understanding your current state. You can begin your own counseling, get a life coach, therapist, or even suggest marital counseling for both of you. This is if you’re not comfortable starting this kind of conversation with your spouse.

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